Patterns

In facts, the Traps we get into are re-enactments of patterns from our childhoods.  This means that as we were growing up in  our families, each of us was exposed to certain rules about living, getting our needs met and interacting with each other.  We learned about men from the men in our families. We learned about women from the women in out families. And we learned about ourselves from the way we were treated in our families.

If we were ignored, we will grow up to ignore ourselves and our needs as adults.  If we were hurt, we will hurt ourselves as adults.  If we were physically or emotionally seduced as children, we will grow up and become wither seducers or victims or both.

We re-enact and repeat the patterns of loving that were formed for us when we were children.  We emphasize patterns here because this is the biggest Trap of all for so many of us.   I look at the specific details  of my adult life and say to myself, "My life is much healthier that Dad's.  Dad was an alcoholic, but I don't drink at all!"

But often the pattern is the same.  While I may not drink at all, I may work compulsively  exercise compulsively or avoid intimacy by watching too much television.  I may be critical, perfectionistic and terrified of having my feelings, just like Dad was.  But because I don't drink at all, I believe that my life is very different from Dad's even though I have re-enacted my family of origin right down to the last detail except the drinking.  Keep this principle in mind as you read this book.

----An Adult Child's Cuide to What's "Normal" by Friel and Friel, p. 12